LivingTodayInThePresent

A friend suggested that I write my tumultuous feelings down as a way of coping with the Shakespearean turn of the tragedy that was previously known as my "lovelife". But honestly, I can’t seem to find the words in either way, in both scenarios, in this blog and what is now the current situation.

You see, I write really well and I write fantastic when gripped by unshakeable emotions. I’ve churned out poems and songs and blog posts that strangers would be compelled to comment on because they could relate to and are moved by the feelings in it but now… now, I am at a loss. I cannot find the words. For someone like me who makes a living out of writing, it’s tantamount to a painter losing his hand or a preacher losing his faith.

My heart has flatlined even before it could be fully revived. I posted in my multiply blog how spring has started to thaw this frozen heart of mine and how, "even as you cut the flowers, there is no stopping spring." But now, it just hurts. Everything just (pardon the French but this is how emphatic I am) fucking hurts. Either way I go, it hurts. I am a train wreck with heavy casualties and I cannot even find the words to articulate the scope of this devastation.

I’ve asked myself so many times, "Why can’t things just be simple?" but I find no answers, no comfort and for the last few days, no peace. Yes, my heart has flatlined but it’s still beating, hooked up on tenuous life support that would in all possibility, be terminated this week. Sometimes, I feel like screaming for that person to just pull the life support and crush what’s been left of my heart to nonexistence. And then… and then, maybe it would all stop hurting. Maybe I’d find better words than the ones I have right now. Maybe the words I’ve been trying to bury inside my heart would die along with it once the life support has been pulled. Maybe, in a strange way, it would melt my heart to stone and I’d finally stop feeling anything.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want to happen. All I know is that my heart feels as if its being skewered every single day, I feel as though I’ve lost my sunshine and that heavy clouds have been stealing my breath from me. I’ve lost my words–and most likely because my heart’s been lost as well.

Shakespeare could not have said it any better through Puck, his tongue in cheek character from "A Midsummer Night’s Dream", "Lord, what fools we mortals be!" And indeed, only love can turn sane, logical and intelligent people into weepy, devastated blithering idiots. You can’t learn love but you live it and you can’t talk your way out of being in love no matter how good you are in public speaking or writing.

They say that intelligent people are the ones who are dumbest (and unluckiest) in love. After all, who needs a brain when a person falls in love? There is after all, "love at first sight" so logic rarely if ever plays a part in the phenomenon of falling in love. So in a way, simple people are lucky because they just "feel" it– smart and complicated people on the other hand spend too much time nitpicking, analyzing, worrying and trying to comprehend whether or not they have indeed fallen in love (or had a mental breakdown).

My bestfriend, Gus and I describe ourselves as simple people with complicated thoughts so while we fall in love like the rest of the mortal race– we also tend to overanalyze. We overcomplicate cut and dried matters because we don’t want to be "fools in love". And more often then not, we end up being each other’s movie date. *sobs*

So last Sunday, after a movie of non-stop action and booty shots (which was endless!)– Gus and I discussed our views on love and how it changed since our college days. Back then, we were both hopeless romantics out to find the "ONE". The process was fairly easy but finding the prince among frogs was another story.

For Gus, he said that falling in love was much like a fish getting hooked. That no matter how much you wriggle, you can’t escape it. So there you are, hanging on because of a bait and a hook that’s cutting your mouth. You’re bleeding badly but who cares? Because you have literally fallen for it hook, line and sinker. And then you get eaten or, you get coshed on the brain, disemboweled, marinated, fried and then eaten. Yum!

A friend of mine, Michiko went as far back as to describe what loving someone is. She described people’s hearts as boxes of different sizes and because of the disparity in sizes, people get hurt expecting to get a box as big as the ones they have or give. Say for example, I have a box as big as 100% but unfortunately, the other person has a box as big as only 50%. In the end, no matter if he gives his all, a person with a smaller box can only give so much and not enough–not enough to even fill half of what the other person gave.

Right now, I see falling in love as abandoning your brain. Because whoever says he loves wisely is a fool twice over–because love can’t be this perfect emotion where everything falls into place and love isn’t something you can ration out or put on the shelf whenever you find it convenient. So I admit it, I am a fool in love no matter how much my head tries to deny, defy and obliterate every shard of this emotion. What makes me even more foolish and pathetic is that even though I try hard to erase this emotion, I still feel it and in the end, I’m fighting for something that was already given up. Tragic indeed but unfortunately, love isn’t something I can’t rewrite like my stories. I’m a fool in love with little hope of a recovery. Medic!!!!

“Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find I’m thinking about something else, and then I’ll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, its because someone is about to arrive.” -Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

I first heard about Honey and Clover from Animax, I wasn’t really intruigued by it until I found myself watching its first episodes on Youtube. I’m currently watching Honey and Clover right now and it’s actually got me hooked–I wasn’t expecting it to be that good.

Hachimitsu to Clover (translated as Honey and Clover) centers around college life for a group of friends. It was advertised to be a love story yet the journey was a sentimental and realistic place where the characters become something more than mere animation.

I actually found it both complex and poetic, and I fell in love with it when I saw the line from one of the songs used in its soundtrack:

"Send the lost promises to the stars, my memories won’t fade away."

And in episode 9, another line I found memorable was one said during the narration:

"The October breeze was cold and the rays of the low afternoon sun were bright white. The world, as if stopped, was stained with a silver hue."

The anime is ridden with background music, soundtracks and oddly enough, it works, because the mood for it was perfect since most characters seem to fumble around with words. I was a little confused in the beginning since the anime basically seemed to drop me in the middle of Takemoto’s life and perspective and I found myself asking, "Where did the title, Honey & Clover come from?" And Animax did say it was a love story so I was kind of expecting swoon worthy moments and mushy dialogue and the tingly cliche plot where girl meets boy, *blush blush*, falls in love, friend gets in the way, confession, happy love, the end.

But Honey & Clover is very different from all romance anime–there are so many things left unsaid and it feels somewhat restrained that the viewer is all but bouncing off the walls to even just see one lousy romantic scene… but it’s not there. There are "moments" beautiful and painful but it’s so contained it leaves you wanting more, though it also leaves you oddly satisfied because of the beautiful dialogue and the gut-wrenching songs. Episode 8-10 were some of my favorites and the lines go straight to your gut,

"The sunset I see as I stand next to you is so beautiful that it aches my heart."

And that line was never said, as Takemoto Yuuta simply gazes at Hanamoto Hagumi who is tenderly touching a brooch given by Morita Shinobu.

The characters in this anime are all so human, riddled with flaws, unaware of feelings, and searching for things they don’t even understand. All of them are art students trying to come to terms with new feelings and what is is to grow up and fall in love. And what’s so good and enchanting about the anime is that they focus on what’s not being said and the visuals seem to get more stunning as time goes by.

Honey and Clover won the 2003 Kodansha Manga Award and I’m not surprised because it’s really that good. The dialogue/narration and the songs are simply wonderful and the characters are completely believable. It’s far from a perfect love story or a giggly anime romance, there is unrequited love looming in every nook and cranny of the story. From Mayama’s futile love for the badly hurt and scarred Rika to Takemoto’s unspoken feelings for the artistic genius Hagu-chan who treats him like a friend, this anime is sure to not just gently tug but wrench your heart strings. There are 26 episodes and I heard that season 2 has 12–I will have to confirm on that later on since I’m just making my way through the anime.

Episode synopsis with character focus coming soon!

Honey & Clover is highly recommended for all poets, lovers, friends and dreamers out there! So excuse me while I watch the rest of it– ja ne!

Before I go off on my "It’s Complicated" post, I would also like to invite everyone to check out this anime blog, here’s the link: http://otakushrine.wordpress.com.  As you all know, I an extremely addicted to anime, more so now that I have so much free time on weekends that I get to go on straight anime marathons. I have also found a partner for this "otaku shrine"– Michiko and we would just like to post that our blog is up and running, it’s fairly new, not even 10 posts but we already have 500+ views! Pinoy otakus welcome! Ja matta ne!

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I can’t think of a good way to describe last weekend except as the infamous and very showbiz line, "It’s complicated." And certainly it is.

I’m probably stressing over nothing, I’m probably also stressing over nothing to not think about anything, I’m probably stressing on what seems to be nothing but could be something, I’m probably stressing over something that I think is nothing but may turn out to be a completely new thing! See my train of thought? Totally whacked out!

I’m not even sure I can articulate the events happening and unfolding in my life– every day is a surprise, a discovery, I really think I’m much stronger now in the aftermath of what could have been a 9/11 disaster only thing is, it happened on a much earlier date. I guess it’s just disorienting that my life has taken several unpredictable turns, I’m not exactly happy about it, but what else can I do? I guess the neatly arranged years I’ve planned would have to fly out the window but as my friends say, "Be your own priority." And now I am. Of course, I still get occasionally choked up when I think about the past but I’m trying to put it where it should be– in the past. After all, I did get kicked to the curb over work.

Right now–I’m pretty much okay, I did tell my parents about it, I had time to grieve over choices made and yes, I finally did accept the fact that there are just some things I can’t change. Whatever power I have is the fact that I can just change myself.

So this "it’s complicated" line, I gladly welcome it. It’s a nice distraction while I pick up the pieces and hopefully, move on. So hooray for friends, anime and DC graphic novels!

Blogbite 1: I woke up this morning, feeling much like death warmed over. My puson hurt terribly, I can barely stand, my eyes insisted on remaining shut–and it struck me, DANG! It’s another cycle of unbearable torture for seven days! Is there a pill I can take somewhere that would turn me into a man?

Blogbite 2: Had a horrible class in Persons and Family Relations yesterday, everybody seemed to be unprepared and that of course included me. I could really sense the professor’s disappointment and the whole class was as silent like death.

Blogbite 3: It turned out that one of professors last Tuesday had planned the administer an exam that day– only to find that only 3 students were present in her class– excluding me.  Also, I have a graded recitation this afternoon in Criminal Law, Articles 15-20 none of which I’ve even read. OMG! I’m a dead woman walking!

Blogbite 4: The anime pic above is my current desktop screensaver– it’s from CLAMP’s Tokyo Babylon, it was the scene where Seishirou killed Hokuto–the twin sister of the man he loves in order to fulfill a promise made under the Sakura tree. The whole story is quite tragic, in fact, Hokuto merely acted as the double in order to save her twin brother from death at the hands of his lover and in her death see placed a mirror spell wherein whatever harm Seishirou does to Subaru will reflect back at him. This picture is entitled, "Death and Destiny".

Blogbite 1: Nearing the end of a straight four (4) hour lecture, no restroom breaks or food breaks– my cell phone died, my eyes watered from the strain, my stomach began protesting its status and my rear end went numb. All in all though, in that organ-failing, brain-numbing experience, I really learned a lot. Seriously. It was review for the Bar Ops so some of us (freshmen) got the chance to sit in and see future subjects under Civil Law. While it was pretty much a blur in the beginning, intestate succesions, oppositors, wills, legitimes, etc… clarity dawned subsequently. I’m not a huge fan of Civil Law, I much preferred the complexities of Criminal Law but last night, it finally seemed like an interesting puzzle. One that I look forward to in the following days.

Blogbite 2: Due to the emotional upheaval I experienced these past few days, I really was given the chance to see and once again, deeply appreciate the fatc that I have the most wonderful friends in the whole world. Sunday, my besty despite being tired from work offered his unequivocal and unconditional support; Monday, after reading my status message "In tears", a very good friend of mine from my previous office Hinge Inquirer Publications (and my editor as well) went immediately to my office in Enterprise Center to talk to me and treat me to lunch. Officemates in Health Care Corporation of America also counselled and cheered me up all through the day. Tuesday, my college "mommy" texted me and asked how I was doing and in no time, I told her and she immediately offered to meet me up for a bonding session anytime and anywhere despite the fact that she lives in San Mateo, Rizal. When I told her of my school schedule, she offered a weekend and even mobilized the rest of the barkada about my current dilemma. Wednesday, my schoolmates in PCU, upon finally getting the facts from me formed a text brigade that offered support and encouragement to me through the night. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank God for good karma!

Blogbite 3: Do you believe in karma? I do, it’s just because there are certain things in life you get punished for and rewarded for. Take for example, if I missed to pray the rosary before I go to sleep, more often than not, I would run late for work because of aggravating circumstances (e.g. jeep stalled, the bus got stopped by traffic aide, etc). Also, because I treat people with the same courtesy I want to be given me and I go out of my way to be nice to everybody, I feel as though I’m always secure and lucky in life. For some, karma might be metaphysical crap but to me, it’s a nice outlook in life, "You get what you give," and if you treat people like crap more or less, you get treated like camel dung. But if you treat everybody with respect and with justice, you are given the same courtesy. Boy do I love karma!

Blogbite 4: I got a new extremely short haircut, I look like a cross between tomboyish Akane Tendo of Ranma 1/2 (observation courtesy of my blockmate Archimedes) and the bubbly yet tragic Hokuto Sumeragi from Tokyo Babylon. Bwahahahaha! ^_^

I was home alone last Wednesday evening. Originally, I thought it would be the perfect time to review for my Criminal Law midterms because of the peace and quiet of having the house all to myself. But no thanks to Gus and his scary elevator story, my imagination began working in overdrive… and in no time at all, I managed to scare myself silly inside my own home.

My parents and my brother went to an uncle’s wake and let me just tell you that I’m not that big of a scaredy cat. I love watching Asian horror movie with Gus, and I’m usually the type who’s perfectly content to stay home alone. But somehow that night, even as I tried hard to focus on studying, every other minute or so, I would give a start every sound I heard. Every sound got magnified into something scary and ominous. Each rustling noise had me thinking of burglars or ghosts, I was slowly and illogically driving myself nuts with fright!

I tried to reason with my hyperactive mind that the front door was locked so I’m perfectly safe but then again, my mind screamed back at me, "The gate is not locked you dimwit, what do you mean safe?!" I tried to read, I tried to watch TV, I turned on the radio, I locked myself in my roombut it seemed to me that there was something ominous about to happen. I tried talking myself out of paranoia but unfortunately my mind’s gotten ahead of my sensibilities, it was already imagining all sorts of scenarios, my heart was palpitating and worse, I can hear the music of psycho playing in my head!

I contemplated calling my parents to tell them to come home early but since it was family duty, it seemed trivial of me to demand that they go home immediately to assure my paranoia. I only had one option left or more likely one option with three choices.So swallowing my pride, I desperately sent an SOS text message to three beings whom I fervently hoped were kindhearted and interesting to drive me to distraction. And guess what, all three of them heeded my call. ^_^

Note: Due to the fact that one of the people mentioned in this blog is quite a personality, I deemed it best to abridge this version of Knights in Shiny Armor because of friendster’s very public blog and post a more comprensive one in my wordpress blog. I do have shame you know. ^_~

Vince my boyfriend was first to heed my call. It was 9:30 in the evening and though he was still hard at work at finishing his program, he texted me and called me at my landline a few minutes later. He told me he was going to put me on speaker phone because he still had to focus on his work and ordered that I immediately inform him if anything alarming would come up.

While we were talking, a text message came through. It was from a light that has never been lit. Subsequently, a very good friend of mine also called up on my cellphone asking if I was okay. It was a very nice gesture at first until that friend began to talk about having been gifted with a similarly overactive imagination and about how it feels and what’s inside houses, nearly hysterical I hung up on that friend.

Throughout the long night, Vince and my other knight in shining armor kept me company– in totally different ways. One through speakerphone and the other through patient texting. Silent and unseen, they still both managed to provide the feeling of security I seemed to have misplaced that night.

You know I always thought that it was always up to me to take care of myself until I realized that night that sometimes, it’s okay to be scared as long as you have knights in shining armor to protect you from the real or imagined monsters. 

From now on, short snippets of information or writing within my blog will be deemed blogbites. ^_^

Blogbite 1. I got the second highest score in our Civil Law midterms! Hurray! And here I was, freaking out over the three mistakes I counted in my head… but then again, I got a really good leak that told me our professor actually praised me for my English and said I was pretty good. Hallelujah! I’m bursting with joy!

Blogbite 2. I’m falling in love… with a wordpress blog. Catch my newly improved blog at http://wordpress.com. It’s so cool with links and the photo blogging system, I can basically do everything I want with it. It’s super new, only 5 or so posts but my anime archive is also there… plus, I’m collaborating with a good friend on setting up a major anime blog. Wait and see. Hehehe. I’m bursting with the excitement of possibilities.

Blogbite 3. Good friends are such a blessing. This is just a rewind of Gus and me hanging out over the weekend. We were both bummed out by the circumstances of life and it was such a pleasure reconnecting again last Sunday. We watched the movie "Wolf Creek" which we thought was a screamfest… unfortunately, it just made us scream in frustration. But the highlight of the evening was our arcade marathon. We actually finished "House of the Dead 4"! And it was a blast! It was nice remembering what great teamwork we had and though we had calluses to remember that game by, it was worth it.

I saw Adam Sandler’s movie "Click" last weekend and I totally identified myself with his character, the hard-working, persecuted and harrassed Micheal Newman. I must be turning into a mental case if I identified myself an Adam Sandler character but its true! Adam’s character was an ordinary joe who got blessed with a wonderful family but a lousy paycheck.

Out of all of his movies, CLICK definitely had the most heart and it’s almost a simple story about a middle-class guy, hoping and dreaming of making it big in work for the sake of his family. But the crux is, when Micheal chose to pursue his career when he went fast forward, he was put on auto pilot where all his choices were for the good of his job and not for his family. His family life suffered as a consequence of his rise to success.

The message of the story was very touching, it examined the choices one has to make in life and I admit I shed a few tears on the last few scenes. "CLICK" is definitely the perfect movie for workaholics and "toxic" people out there.

Lately, I’ve also been wishing I had a universal remote to just not deal with the mess and stress I’m facing right and that I could just fast forward to the time when things are nice and peachy. I’ve been daydreaming about fast forwarding to four years from now, that I’m a lawyer, that I’m geeting married and that I’m fast on my way to becoming a legal eagle. But life as it is, there is no fast track to success. Blood, sweat and tears pave the way to the sweetest of life’s truimphs.

People usually never need to ask my motivations behind taking law– as I recall, most male friends call me a "female activist" and I’ve always been the first to head causes and issues that I feel are unfair or unjust. To most people who know me, my taking up law was a natural progression that needed no further explanation.

But I distinctly remember the scholarship screening, how 40-plus people got grilled by a panel of law school deans and luminaries on their reasons for pursuing law. I remember being asked to recite the preamble–with disastruous results. And I also remember one of the panelists, a rather tough looking oldtimer asking, "So why did you take up law? For money? For the title?" He seemed very skeptical of my motives, I mean, here I am, a young lady who looks too good-natured and delicate, fighting for a chance at the scholarship. He literally dissected me on sight and obviously found me unable to fit the mold of what should be a law student.

And I just said, "I just want to make a difference."

It sounds stupidly idealistic and laughably trite I know— but that’s my motivation for studying law. Right now, my mother and Vince is trying hard to side-track my one-track mind from pursuing a law career in the government. But I don’t really care about the money coporate law is going to bring and while I’m considering private law/prosecutor, I just want to be like my favorite attorney Katrina Legarda. I remember watching the Jalosjos case and going, "Wow, that’s the woman I want to be when I grow up."

And I have grown up and this passion to be this great woman who served to defend and help the oppressed female victims has not faded one bit. Everyday, my determination to bring about change, even in the smallest ways grows stronger and more vibrant. I want to be the woman who’d stand up for those who’ve been weighed down by abuse.

Right now, my path though isn’t the easiest. While thanks to my scholarship I get to pursue my vision, the other distractions are KILLING me. 9 hours of work in the office, school at night, the hazards of public transportation— I go through these every single day just to reach my dream. Like Adam Sandler’s character– I just want to get things over and done with, be on auto-pilot so i wouldn’t have to suffer through small but stressful emotional nuances. I sometimes just want to fast forward to four years from now— but then again, I realized… I wouldn’t be the woman I want to be if I didn’t go through such difficult times.

So note to self: just click back to your motivations and forget those annoying distractions. Your time and energy is best spent on following your dreams.

*Adversity builds character.*