Flatline
A friend suggested that I write my tumultuous feelings down as a way of coping with the Shakespearean turn of the tragedy that was previously known as my "lovelife". But honestly, I can’t seem to find the words in either way, in both scenarios, in this blog and what is now the current situation.
You see, I write really well and I write fantastic when gripped by unshakeable emotions. I’ve churned out poems and songs and blog posts that strangers would be compelled to comment on because they could relate to and are moved by the feelings in it but now… now, I am at a loss. I cannot find the words. For someone like me who makes a living out of writing, it’s tantamount to a painter losing his hand or a preacher losing his faith.
My heart has flatlined even before it could be fully revived. I posted in my multiply blog how spring has started to thaw this frozen heart of mine and how, "even as you cut the flowers, there is no stopping spring." But now, it just hurts. Everything just (pardon the French but this is how emphatic I am) fucking hurts. Either way I go, it hurts. I am a train wreck with heavy casualties and I cannot even find the words to articulate the scope of this devastation.
I’ve asked myself so many times, "Why can’t things just be simple?" but I find no answers, no comfort and for the last few days, no peace. Yes, my heart has flatlined but it’s still beating, hooked up on tenuous life support that would in all possibility, be terminated this week. Sometimes, I feel like screaming for that person to just pull the life support and crush what’s been left of my heart to nonexistence. And then… and then, maybe it would all stop hurting. Maybe I’d find better words than the ones I have right now. Maybe the words I’ve been trying to bury inside my heart would die along with it once the life support has been pulled. Maybe, in a strange way, it would melt my heart to stone and I’d finally stop feeling anything.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want to happen. All I know is that my heart feels as if its being skewered every single day, I feel as though I’ve lost my sunshine and that heavy clouds have been stealing my breath from me. I’ve lost my words–and most likely because my heart’s been lost as well.
