LivingTodayInThePresent

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You know what, I’m actually starting to feel empowered taking on the persona of a "bratty girl". It’s actually the first time anyone’s ever called me that and its liberating to finally acknowledge the brat within. Hello world, meet the bratty side of Joan!

I’ve often been referred to as the nerd, the geek, the walking dictionary, the ice queen, and the NR (no reaction) kind of girl. Its just not in me to be high brow or delicate but I guess because of the way I look, I’ve often been misinterpreted to be mataray. But (smart) people upon getting to know me find out that I’m terribly cowboy, I’m surprisingly kuripot, and not the least bit of a prima donna or a major bitch. An officemate even told me recently, "How can you be a good lawyer? You’re so smiley faced and you should at least be a bitch para mas madefend mo clients mo!"

But now– I’m having an attitude overhaul. I’m often perceived to be the good girl, "the working scholar" type, the one who never fights back, but now that I’m taking a page off of my bestfriend’s life, I finally welcome it, beware the bratty girl– I always bite back! ^_^

I never realized how precious 50 minutes could be.

Yesterday wasn’t a very good day for me, I had the worst time commuting, I ran late because I missed the LRT by 5 secs, I studied really hard for a graded recitation in Criminal Law but I didn’t get called, I had to spend all my money on 200+ pages of xeroxed cases and plus my bus seatmate on my way home was a total skank.

It was a pretty dismal day and it probably would have been the worst when a text mesage woke me up at midnight.

“M hme n hun rng my fone wn u wke up hatd kta ofc"

Because unless my eyes were deceiving me, at 12:30 midnight, my usually sweetly oblivious boyfriend is actually telling me he’ll be driving me to work!

Other people who probably say, "What’s the fuss? Don’t boyfriends usually do that?" Well, our relationship routine is very different from the norm, he doesn’t usually drive me to work or pick me up from school, he doesn’t always text or call me at home or at work, he doesn’t give me flowers, i pick up the tab every now and then– he’s the ultimate nontraditional boyfriend.

Clearly, those I mentioned are products of effort but I actually didn’t really mind their absence because deep-down, I knew that those are just ordinary trappings. A guy could give a girl flowers every day but its truly not an actual indication of a man’s sincerity. Vince could be pretty boneheaded at times, he’s completely oblivious and he wouldn’t have a clue unless you fill him in on the details– twice. But I’m actually coming to grips with his kakuripotan, kamanhidan, and his inherent lack of initiative and romance.

Right now, in the middle of all the craziness going on in both our lives, his with his work and upcoming certification and mine with school and my job, it’s easy to see that there’s a chance we’ll drift apart or that one of us will get frustrated at the hecticness of our lives. The fact that he’s completely complacent is also a deep concern of mine– until this weekend when I got that message.

I realized then that he’s making an effort to keep our relationship going. My uber relaxed boyfriend is finally going the extra mile and although that extra mile is often cut short by the restraints of our schedule, every single minute is priceless. This weekend of stolen time, a quick breakfast, a hurried lunch, driving me to school, taking me to work– I realized that this is all I need to know that he loves me.

I’ve always considered myself to be a fearless road warrior. Commuting has never been a issue for me, in fact, I often prefer the use of public transportation to being picked up or getting a ride from my dad or Vince. I never have felt any anxiety climbing aboard a jeep or riding a bus, even late at night. That used to be the case, until last week.

A lot of people have remarked how unladylike it is to be so into commuting but I actually liked it. I liked being able to save money, the feeling that you’re not reliant on somebody else to get you to where you want to go and I loved the quiet time I have with myself whenever I commute. Sure there are down times, the annoying 101.1 station where most buses and jeeps seemed to be tuned into, the occasional "manyak", the nauseating PDA of young couples, the crowd– but otherwise, whenever I commute, I feel powerful. I felt in charge of my detiny(ation). ^_^

But my usual bravado failed me last week and to this day, I am terrified of riding in a jeepney. More specifically, I am terrified of riding in a Manila jeepney. I am terrified of going to school and going home from school if I commute. Here’s the reason why:

Joseph, my classmate got held up last Sunday. The thing is, we would usually go home together since we both go the same way. We would ride jeepneys fearlessly in Manila and we would sometimes be going home at 8:30 or at 9PM. Last Sunday, we had a make-up class for Constitutional Law from 9AM to 12PM. That day, I didn’t commute at all because Vince and I had breakfast and lunch together so he picked me up.

When I came to class the next day, Joseph told me he got held up right after he left from school. At 1:30PM in the afternoon–in broad daylight, and the worse thing is, there were 13 other people who got deprived of their possessions in the same jeepney.

It was an armed robbery by a what is already considered a band. Three men, one carrying a knife, the other a gun and the other is the collector. It was raining heavily that day so the jeep’s blinds were down. Those 14 people gave up their wallets and cell phones without a fight but what made the whole thing even more despicable is that the robbers, apparently not satisfied with the booty they got, they proceeded to molest the women passengers. They kissed the women on the lips and mashed their breasts. Suprisingly, when the ordeal was done, it was only Joseph who came to the police station to report it.

That incident was rooted in my mind but it didn’t exactly deter me from my usual habit of commuting fearlessly even though its late at night.

But just last Thursday after class, Joseph and I decided to board an empty jeep. The jeep barely moved an inch when three strange men suddenly started to board the jeep. Joseph was paying our fare but even when I saw their faces, a paralyzing fear gripped me. I felt so terrified for no other reason but the sight of them. What made the fear worse was when one of them leaned down and a swiss knife fell from his bag.

So I began talking in a very loud voice, "Joseph, baba tayo bilis, naiwan ko book ko sa library, bilis baba na tayo!" It was all I can do to keep myself from jumping out of the jeep. Joseph looked at me and I began insisting we go down without even bothering to reclaim what we paid. Surprisingly, he went down with me. The first person I saw when I got down was Ms. Chona and I was talking much too loudly, saying that I left my book and had to go back to school, yadda yadda– I just didn’t want those men to become suspicious of why we suddenly went down we they boarded.

We walked away and when we were at a goodly distance, Joseph whispered, "Jo, sila yung nang-hold-up sakin!"

Now I don’t know if it was Divine Intervention, woman’s instinct, or a guardian angel that made me feel that overwhelming sense of danger but I’m so glad it did. It might have saved my life. I have good reason to believe the jeepney driver was in on it. And I’m sure those men wouldn’t be just satisfied with a mere kiss since its already late and Joseph and I were the only two passengers. It definitely would have been a lot worse.

Now, I feel so helpless and powerless. That close call made me realize what I dangerous world we live in after all. And now, I don’t feel safe. Commuters out there, read this and take this as a lesson, don’t be too overconfident of your security. I was just extremely lucky that I had that "feeling" and I paid attention to it. But now, my courage has come undone.

Warning: As the title precludes, this post contains several issues under one title. This writer will not be liable for feelings of disorientation or dizziness.

Art. 1. Pride and prejudice. While I admit that studying law is clearly no piece of cake, I was crazily arrogant enough to believe that my underweight (my medical exam result is testimony to that! *sobs*) body could actually handle handling office hours added to my school time. Hmmm, is it the straightjacket for me then? Well, my new employer, Health Care Corporation of America initially had me lined up as a recruitment specialist, the offer still stands though but if I wanted to have a more relaxed work load (and not go insane while I’m at it), I had to take a more secretarial role in the office. Officially, I have no title, I am mixed breed in this company, performing duties of a telephone operator, a check releaser, a part-time writer/editor, receptionist and customer service.  It’s a crazy feeling not being in the limelight and being one of the “drones”. While everything and everyone is so nice and peachy, I guess it’s just me who’s still stuck in the middle, having a hard time swallowing my pride. Water please!

Art. 2. Study habits and old friends. Believe it or not, I am actually studying. Studying as in reading notes and assignments before class, making notes, reviewing cases and articles, going to the law library every available moment I have. Yup, the diva of crash cramming and dubious study habits is indeed, studying. Almost another version of The Gods Must Be Crazy and my friends are busting their guts laughing over this “personal transition”. But the good thing about all the craziness going on in my life, that even though I lost my intimate relationship with the animax channel (*hysterical wailing*) I seem to have reconnected with a lot of old friends. Because my work is really light (brain-numbingly light), I’ve gotten the chance to chat with friends online plus I’ve also been hanging out a lot with buddies because Vince is really and horribly and terminally busy with work these days.

Art. 3. What’s that again about absence and growing fonder? Blame it on communication breakdown, inattentiveness, insensitivity and work-induced stress but Vince and I have the last few times we’ve been together. While we managed to get things in order just last week, another bramble thorn bush gets thrown in our relationship. His project is wrapping up and with that, he has to spend his hours, from

9AM-11PM

in the office from Monday and even Sunday.  Talk about rotten luck! The heavens must be conspiring against us or, somebody is praying really hard for the two of us to break up. But being the “never give-up” person that I am, I proposed that the two of us take a leave from work on Monday to catch up and spend time together. And here’s what he said, “Sige, okay Monday—tamang-tama, libre na ko ulit on September!” ARGH!

I’ve been thinking about this quote lately and its something that two of my good friends have been drumming into my brain on separate occasions," If its not crazy, passionate love, then what’s the point?" Mind you, these two people barely know each other yet the fact that both they’re saying the same thing has got to mean something. And it got me thinking, what is the point indeed for two individuals to stay together in a relationship?

Could the point be the "Thunder-and-lightning-with-earthquakes- you’re-so-hot-you-blow-my-mind" kind of love?

Or maybe it’s the "I-am-so-insane-about-you-I-need-you-in-my-life-24/7" type?

Then again, the relationship could be based on the atypical "I-can’t-imagine-being-with-anyone-else-but-you (because you’re simple and conservative)" kind of love.

Well, for whatever reasons people have for being in a committed relationship, in one way or another the facts I’ve stated above reflect that. The definitions I’ve enumerated in order being chocolate (passion), nutty banana (need) and vanilla (commitment) hold true as motivations for most people in maintaining their relationships. I definitely know why I’ve been unable to get pass that quote so this article is a form therapy for myself. But how about you, what’s your flavor?

Some people think its love when there’s this crazy, animal passion and overflowing electricity between them. That oftentimes, what they feel is just too big for words and that only the blaze of intimacy can eclipse it. And believe me, I have read a battalion of romance novels (and listened to my well-meaning friends), to get me thinking, "Gee, isn’t that kind of fire the only way to love?" But then again, this grand passion could mean throwing everything to fate or surrendering ( to your partner) completely and physically, well– touching each other would like spontaneous combustion. Pardon me for the utter cheesiness but to me it seems a lot like aiming for the sun even as it blinds you and kills you with the heat of its intensity.

Occasionally and especially after reading a Nora Roberts novel, I find myself wistful of how an experience like that could be. Hot of course, exciting and unpredictable. Though unfortunately, if my life was indeed like a book then I could have sworn my character has just taken a vow of chastity and got locked in a nunnery. Where is a white knight when you need one? And yes, he doesn’t need to be all that chivalrous.

And that brings me to the other type of love, the nutty banana kind. Now this kind of love is what I see as a relationship founded on need. (See white knight and rescuing above) Then again, this is also the type of love wherein people who are the walking wounded, the lonely find each other and complete whatever blank spaces they have left. This is also the love where people always go the extra mile and beyond just to just see their partner or make her happy. I’m talking about people who would commute from San Juan to Cavite with only a hundred pesos in their pocket and people who would defy their family, change their lifestyle, and worse, compromise everything– just to be by the side of their "reason for living". Sheesh! Talk about effort and linear-mindedness! This kind of love would have been ideal if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s obsessive and needy. Aww nuts! Anyway, moving on…

Now the last kind is the plain vanilla kind of love. No sparks, a once in a blue moon heat wave and it’s best described as steady. It’s the kind of relationship that is so fixed; the two of you are practically like an old married couple! The chaste peck on the lips, the "I’m home na routine", the dinner and movie date once a week… it’s a cycle of predictability. In this kind of relationship, you need not worry about getting pregnant because any and all physical intimacy is saved for "marriage" and there is no chemistry or interest to begin with! It’s a meeting of minds and of values.  The relationship was not founded on attraction or lust, it was built because of mutuality sometimes often appearing as though the couple is together for the sake of commitment. Now this kind of relationship I find horribly and incredibly sad. But then again, someone told me that sometimes love is what’s left after all the sparks and the crazy have faded. That this is what’s real because it’s abiding, it’s constant and it’s not dependent on external factors. Someone told me that it’s not always fireworks and that that people you count on sometimes fail to make the effort but what’s felt inside never changes. I guess now I find myself thinking, "When all the years have passed and times have changed, when you reminisce the past which would make you smile more, a fiery finish, an unfilled ache or an unchanging pace?"

"I know it’s a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love– well, you haven’t lived life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike." - Meet Joe Black

It’s always great to know you have a choice.

I’ve never denied I was a cynic. In fact, I’m the type of person who’d be expecting the worse when it comes to summer vacations. This is a pretty late post but with all the happenings in my life, the timing seems to be just right since it’s great remembering paradise. And I found it in three days.

So while ordinarily, paradise for me is a state of mind (i.e. being surrounded by heaps of Nora Roberts books or a BLEACH or Gakuen Alice or Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle DVD marathon with kettle corn and mountain dew), stepping onto the powder white sand of El Nido made me change my mind. Big time. Here is paradise in all it’s glory. But what elevated it all the more is my temporary freedom. I’m spending three whole days in Palawan without my parents. But of course, I will be spending it with Vince…and yes, his entire family with his cousins. I was a little nervous of making wrong moves which would make his family hate me. I am bunking in with his two sisters and I’m a very transparent person who could say anything and everything especially when I mean it. So what happened next?

First day, May 28. After a buffet lunch where I was only able to appreciate the spaghetti and meatballs, we went snorkeling. Let me first mention it was high noon and it was my first time to snorkel. But it went so smoothly. I spent most of my time with his mom and his sisters and his female cousins. Vince disappeared but I didn’t really mind. I discovered a whole new world under water. I saw Nemo (clown fish), zebra fish, parrot fish, starfish, jack fish (they are bloody huge! like a dog!), sword fish and all kinds of sea life. Tita told me that the sea horse was also under but since water kept rushing into my mask, I wasn’t able to see it. Before the day ended, Vince and I kayaked to a nearby island where I grabbed shells. We also went to a very corally (I am making this word up) beach where there’re no fishes, just clear, clear water. Dinner was again buffet and it had everything I could ever want. Was out cold by 9PM.

Second Day, May 29. Woke up at 6AM for a dawn fishing raid. I am not a morning person. Was feeling grumpy when Vince kept bugging me about taking pictures which I felt were unecessary given its 6 in the morning. And then we headed out to the open sea with the mists of morning still hoveing above the ocean. I also had my doubts about catching any fish. And Vince’s mom kept pulling one out of the other from the sea. But I was able to catch a fish, with Vince doing all the pulling. I felt a little sorry for the fish but hey, only me, Tita, Peaches and Angelo caught fish. Thank goodness for beginners’ luck! Afterwards we all went back for a leisurely breakfast. We tried a little scuba-diving but since Vince was a certified diver he had to go off on his own. Scuba diving is scary, the pressure in your ears is insane especially when I was already twenty feet deep into the ocean! I don’t think scuba diving is for me. Breathing in and out through the oxygen with huge bubbles streaming out is not my thing. But snorkeling is definitely my cup of tea. After lunch we went to the big lagoon. Since Vince was off exploring the underwater world of Palawan, I partnered with his sister Mika. Peach kayaked on her own and she was amazing! She even kayaked back to the resort. My arms were killing me and I even had a partner! It made me work up a huge appetite! Dinner however, was in the moonlight. The pasta was amazing and the ribs were great but it rained a little so we all ran back to the tarp. There was a cultural presentation which I didn’t finish because I was so tired. It was once again an early night for me. By the way, have I mentioned I have already tanned so much? I never spent a minute indoors in the entire time I was there. I was fast becoming a bronzed goddess. (Hahaha!)

Third day, May 30. We were all so tired from yesterday’s activities we overslept. We practically had to be dragged from our warm comfortable beds. We went island hopping in the morning to snorkel in a different spot. Finally, I get to be with Vince in the same activity! While we were having fun, we came over to a group of coral reefs and we started itching like hell. We were getting stung by something we couldn’t see! We swam like crazy because it was probably baby jellyfish and it’s mother is probably close by. I was getting really tired and Vince gave me a push. Hmm, looks like guys can still be white knights after all. We came out of it relatively unharmed except for bites, Vince had the most because he stayed behind me to make sure I got to the shore first (awww…). After the jellyfish attack, we headed back to the resort for a late big breakfast. We kayaked afterwards and we went to the big lagoon again because Vince and the other divers haven’t seen it yet. He was my rowing partner but since we only had one oar, he had to do most of the paddling. Vince and I got into petty arguments there (again, the taking of pictures)but then again, it’s just us. We have such opposing and strong personalities its impossible for us not to jump at each other for the silliest reasons.

So that was it, our last day in paradise. While being stung by millions of tiny jellyfish sucked, it didn’t mar the experience one bit. I’m still pretty lucky I experienced so much beauty and wonder in one place and in three days’ time. I guess I’m going to remember it always with a smile because in those three days, amidst all the awesomeness of nature, I never felt so much love. I can’t wait to get all those pictures up. And I’d always have my jellyfish bites to remind me of that three days in paradise.

It’s so strange how life sometimes works out.

One minute I was so stressed I was ready to explode from the burden of my work and then the next– the chance to live my dream. To be a law student. So without a backward glance, I resigned. I turned a deaf ear to everything else but the goal I had in sight. I applied to a Ramon Magsaysay law scholarship. And three weeks later, I said hello to the future of a legal profession. I got the scholarship.

It was exhilarating and a little funny when I got the news. I was aiming to study in Lyceum in Makati, I had two job offers which are financially financially rewarding and it was in the area. But then, I got assigned to PCU. Philippine Christian University.

The name brings me back to a time when my goal then was to be the best courtside reporter I could be. But I gave it up when I entered the world of publishing. I thought that was the end of it, the euphoria of the NCAA, the camaraderie and the feeling of being a part of the team. It was hard letting go of such a good thing but since working for Hinge Inquirer Publications demanded total concentration, the memories slowly faded. Until now.

So here I am, an incoming law freshman at PCU. A full-scholar. I think I might be tasked to help build the student council. I’m a student once more.

The feeling of excitement, a little fear, a little anxiety is growing inside me as I count down the days to freshman orientation. My classes will all be in the afternoon except my Saturday classes so I’m still in the loop whether or not I’ll join the workforce again or not. But anyway who knows? Life works in ways that are both strange and fascinating.

I’ve gone back full circle. And I wonder what’s the next turn.

At long last, GAME! Magazine finally decides to have an anime section! Too bad I won’t be able to dip even a fingertip in it.

Yes, I still love anime and I’m 22 years old. I’m not an introvert, an outcast and neither am I your typical anime fan boy drooling over hot anime babes with mecha figures in their room. I just plain love Japanese animation in all forms and genres.

One anime I’ve been obsessing over is BLEACH by Kubo Tite. It’s a story about a fifteen year old boy who has the power to see ghosts– but that’s just the beginning. Because of his powers, he encounters a surly female shinigami or Death God and to save his family, he takes her power & makes it his own. End of story? Nope, that’s just the beginning and this anime is rife with the most amazing characters with great subplots interwoven in the main story.

There’s a Quincy Archer (Ishida-kun I loooooove you!) who is the last of his kind, a busty redhead with a lethal flower pin and a smogasboard of friends, captains and vice captains and so many other minor and not so minor characters.

Like a rabid fangirl, I’ve bought all the episodes, created a fanfic, downloaded mp3s, I’ve dabbled and drowned in anything and everything Bleach.

So it’s basically a knife in the back, heart, and gut right now that my magazine is featuring Bleach on our next issue, and I’m not a part of it.

Just wish I can live my life like an anime character in that series, I can probably just go to Soul Society or kick a bad-ass’ hollow’s rear just to release this smoldering frustration. Too bad there’s no Ishida Uryuu in real life either but hey, that’s  completely different story.

My totally crappy week finally comes to an end– and it’s with me having a rather severe asthma attack.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I had the "wheezing", the coughing, the clogged sinuses, it’s been that long since I was at the mercy of my childhood illness. But here I am now, fighting to draw a breath without coughing in anybody’s face.

I recently got an email from a college professor, at the end of her email, it was written down, "Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today." And the quote struck me like a lightning bolt. I haven’t had many dreams as of late (except work oriented nightmares) but what I also realized is that I stopped being an optimist. I stopped dreaming. I stopped making plans and focused only on the bottomline. And I think that’s what affected me the most. I was so focused on achieving I forgot to believe. I lived only through my work and not through my personal growth and happiness.

But with this realization, maybe now I can slow down. Not expect too much from myself. Not demand things which are quite beyond my control. Maybe now I can try living each day as if its my last. Maybe now I can stop and savor every time I draw a breath.

Today is one of those days a woman would sell her eyelashes to never have.

Everything is going in reverse and a more brutal way of saying it is that this day just blew to pieces (of sh*t).

I can’t wait to see what the third worse thing that can happen– and so far, I’ve had about a hundred of those two kinds happening– a client’s budgetary deficit and disappearing possibilities. Professionally, I’m in the tightest pinch imaginable and will be cooked by management over grease and hot oil a few days from now.

But– I do have an escape hatch. Unfortunately, it’s one I can’t take because I just bloody got regularized and my other tech team members are also resigning. If I leave there would only be two people handling three tech titles instead of the intended 7.

There is this ten-ton weight in my heart even after a wonderful weekend. This ten-ton weight is driving me crazy– it’s my work.